Do you still have your period?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
