the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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