I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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