Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
