Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
