Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
