I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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