you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
