Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
