I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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