I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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