now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
