"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
