My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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