Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Randomize
