thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
