remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Randomize
