I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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