good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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