Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
