Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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