I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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