Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
