woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
