Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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