Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
