Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
