How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
