My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
