I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
