i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
