Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The struggles of a small town man whore
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
