I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
