Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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