I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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