there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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