my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
