You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Life is so much better after having sex.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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