i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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