Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
