So drunk, too bad you don't want this
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
