He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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