so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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