My friends, they love my intelligence
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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