Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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