'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
