I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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