It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
