Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
