my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
